Turtles Unite

I Once Killed my Brother Jay

“There is no peace,” says the LORD, “for the wicked.” Isaiah 48:22

Have you ever done something so bad, so wicked, that you thought if anyone found out what you did they wouldn’t like you anymore? I did.

I did a very mean, bad and wicked thing when I was about your age. I once killed my little brother Jay in cold blood. I thought about it ahead of time. I planned it out. I knew exactly how I would do it, when I would do it, and where I would it. I even planned on using the perfect weapon, one that could not be traced or found.

I remember the day. It was early Spring, the birds were singing, the sun was out,

and Jay was playing in the back yard all alone. I looked all around to see if anyone was

around, and then I pretended to want to play with Jay. He was laughing when I struck. I

still remember the shock in his eyes. My perfect weapon easily flew by his outstretched

arms and hit the target – his heart. He didn’t die instantly, Oh no! I wanted him to suffer.

He started to tear up, then his little body started to shake, and finally from deep within he

let out a blood curdling cry! It startled me. I wasn’t expecting that. His eyes rolled up into

his head and I could tell my perfectly placed, well-planned and untraceable weapon had

done its dirty deed. Jay was dead. Sure he was still standing, but I could see in his eyes

that I had killed him. I let out a laugh, but I wasn’t nearly as happy as I thought I would

be. In fact, I was feeling a little guilty for what I had done. I ran quickly away and tried

to play with some of my friends, but all I could think about was the shock on my little

brother’s face.At dinner that night our family sat down to eat, Mom and Dad, Bill and I,

and to my horror there sat… Jay. But it wasn’t Jay. Jay was dead. No one seemed to

notice that this wasn’t the real Jay. Sure, it looked like Jay, and talked like Jay, and even

acted like it disliked peas like Jay. But Jay was dead. I’d killed him.

All of sudden all my plans of killing Jay, the perfect weapon cutting into his heart,

my laughter after killing him flooded into my heart. I almost started to cry. Mom

noticed that something was wrong. “Rodger, are you o.k.?” she asked.

I somehow managed to say, “I’m not feeling very well. Can I please be excused?”

And I left the table, but not before I saw Jay – I mean this thing that looked like

Jay – roll its eyes up into its head and laugh. I was so shocked, and yet no one else

seemed to notice.

I ran into my room and buried my face into my pillow. “Why? Why?

Why?” I cried and tried to forget everything that happened. Why did I plan

it? Why did I do it? Why, why, why did I kill Jay. It was so stupid. But

wait, nobody knows. But I know! And worse yet, “IT” – the dead Jay –

knows! Why? Why? Why did I kill Jay?

Over and over and over that evening I tossed and turned on my bed

rewinding the murder over and over again wishing I could take it all back.

Wishing it had never happened. I tried to read my favorite book, Yertle the

Turtle, to forget what I had done, but it didn’t work. I tried counting sheep.

I tried thinking of something else, but it was no use. I tried everything to

erase the events of day, but nothing worked. All I could see was Jay – his

eyes rolled up in his head laughing at me. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t read.

I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t play.

I was so afraid “IT” would tell on me. What would happen to me. I didn’t

dare think about it. I was hopelessly miserable, and it was only 7 pm, a

whole hour before my bedtime.

I was so, so, so, sorry for what I had done, but I didn’t know how to stop

feeling so awful. I actually felt a physical pain in my heart. Nothing I did

could get rid of how terrible I felt. I had to be the most miserable little boy

on the whole face of the earth.

I was having a terrible, no good, very bad day, and the worse part about it was

I really deserved it!
Did I mention that I was feeling really, really awful?

Mom knocked quietly on my door. Oh no! The “it,” the dead Jay, has spilled the

beans and told Mom. She’s come to take me to jail for the rest of my life. No, it’s worse;

she’s come to take me to the electric chair. Before she could say anything I blurted out

that I had killed Jay. She looked at me like I was crazy. “Jay is perfectly fine, I just put

him down for bed. I came in here because I was worried about you.”

“No! No! You don’t understand. That is the ‘IT.’ The real Jay is dead, I killed

him today. I walked right up to him and told him, ‘I hate you, you little brat, I wish you

were dead,’ and he let out a scream, and his eyes rolled back in his head and he died. I

saw him die.”

Mom replied, “Rodger, he didn’t die. But what you said was not nice. You realize Jay is only

one. He didn’t understand a word you said. He probably screamed, because you

frightened him when you said those things. But you shouldn’t have said…”

I started crying, “Mom, this has been the most horrible day of my entire life.

From the moment I said those terrible things to Jay I have felt awful and had this hurt in

my heart I can’t get rid of. I’m so, so, so very, very, very sorry for what I did and I will

never do it again. Please, please take away the pain and hurt.”

Mom started to laugh, “I can’t take the pain and guilt away.”

“You can’t,” I sniffed.

“No, only Jesus can do that. Don’t you realize that when you said those mean

things to your little brother that you were also killing yourself. Whenever we sin,

whenever we do something bad to someone else, well, a little bit of us dies too. We put up a wall between

us and God. That is why you have felt so awful today. Do you want to feel better?”

“Oh yes! Yes! Yes I do!”

“There is only one thing that can take away your guilt and pain. You need to tell God you are sorry

for what you said, and ask for His forgiveness. Do you want to do that?”

“Oh, yes!” I said. “Jesus, I’m so sorry for saying those awful things to Jay. Please, please forgive

me! Amen.”

You won’t believe what happened after I prayed that prayer. Something amazing! Jay walked into the room. The

real Jay! He was alive! I ran over and gave him a big hug and told him that I loved him and that I would never ever say

mean things to him again. The pain and awful feeling I had — disappeared! I felt like everything I had done that day was

erased. I had this deep down feeling of peace. All was right with the world. I had peace with Jay. I had peace with my

heart, and most importantly I had peace with my God. Mom turned off the light and I fell fast asleep.

Did I keep my promise to Jay never to say mean things to him.  Unfortunately, no.  But now I know how terrible and wicked saying those things were.  I also know what to do as soon as I say them.  I would quickly say, “I’m so sorry, please forgive me!”  Then I would quickly pray to Jesus and ask for His forgiveness.  I never ever want to have a terrible, no good, horrible, bad day again — especially one that I deserve!

“There is no peace,” says the LORD, “for the wicked.”